Love Doesn’t: When Not To Act

We talked last time about “Love Does” – Love spurs us into action, to do. Sometimes these actions are crazy for those who look in from the outside. Sometimes they are the small, seemingly insignificant deeds of the day-to-day life.

Less talked about – and much harder to talk about, in my experience – is how love may also stop us from action.

Love Doesn’t

When you love someone, it is very difficult to avoid acting. When you see someone suffering, or see a problem in someone’s life, you have the desire to act and to help them fix it. This is not a wrong feeling; it’s actually quite natural. However, acting on this desire can inhibit those you’re trying to help.

I heard an illustration on this topic once, and it’s stuck with me. I hope it will help you understand my point.

A little boy went walking through a garden one summer, when he came upon a butterfly cocoon beginning to open. The butterfly was struggling to open the chrysalis wide enough to exit, and so the boy, being kindhearted, reached down to assist with it’s struggle. He helped pry it open and the butterfly was able to crawl through. However, instead of stretching its wings to fly, it merely crawled along the ground, its wings crumpled against its body.

I’m sure you’ve come across some version of this story in your life. The moral is that because the little boy opened the cocoon, the butterfly’s wings were not strengthened by the struggle it would have had to go through to get out. In the same way, when we rush in to save and assist, we are cutting down on the growth that could be.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we don’t help people. We are called to “carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2). But while we’re taking verses out of context, Galatians 6:5 says, “for each one should carry their own load.” So, I posit, discretion is called for.

An Explanation

Before we look at this. I want to be clear that ‘assisting’ or ‘acting’ does not mean being supportive and encouraging. Both of those should be given. I mean here some physical action, whether it be financially assisting, counseling or mentoring, or physically helping them in some way.

Likewise, ‘being supportive and encouraging’ does not necessarily mean giving advice. It means letting the person know that, no matter what they decide, you’ll be there for them.

Knowing When Love Doesn’t

Remember, each person in your life is on their own individual journey. Sometimes, you need to let them experience hardship in order to let them grow and mature. After all, a plant can’t have deep roots if you keep it in potting soil. So, how do you know when to assist and when not to?

First, when someone is clearly not wanting help, anything you offer will be quickly disregarded and pushed to the side. It’s times like this where we should stand back and let them figure it out – to be ready to step in when they want help, but to remain on the outside until then.

Are there exceptions to this rule? Absolutely.

To go to the furthest extreme, if someone is standing on the edge of a bridge and does not want your help, it doesn’t mean to stand back and let them jump. Of course love is going to compel you to pull them off the ledge and back to safety.

Thankfully, these kind of cases are less common. In the majority of cases, people want – maybe even need – the opportunity to make decisions for themselves and deal with the consequences. Your input and assistance are not seen as gracious gifts, but as not allowing them to think for themselves.

There’s grey area here as to whether or not to tell them what you think of their decisions. I would say it depends on your relationship. For the most part, I think it’s okay, though perhaps not best, to tell them whether you agree or disagree, but make sure they know that whatever their decision is, you’ll be right there with them.

Second, you need to know when you are not qualified. I’ve had people come to me with problems, looking for counseling, but I am not a trained counselor. Does that mean that God doesn’t work through me in this regard? Of course not. But you need to know your limitations.

I will talk with someone, and pray with them, of course, and I have seen what I can only call miracles happen, but again, I am not a counselor. So when those kinds of situations arise, I try to refer them to someone who’s been trained in the matter. It’s not that I don’t want to help, I just understand that I’m not the best person for that situation.

A similar scenario is if you simply do not have time or energy. For example, there’s a ministry at my church that I love, and want to be a part of, but because of time requirements, I’m not able to. Knowing this is also helpful.

Third, the hardest of all, is knowing when you need to say no to someone who is asking for help. This requires prayer, maturity, and seeking counsel from others. It’s hardest when it’s someone you love – usually a family member or a close friend. You need to honestly evaluate the situation and figure out what will be best for the person.

Now, again, this should not be made on your own assessment. You should deliberate through prayer and through seeking mature counsel. There is not a one-size-fits-all answer to this problem. You need to saturate your decision with prayer and consideration.

What It Means

Knowing that Love Doesn’t is hard. We want to save the people we love.

But there’s only one Savior, and his name is Jesus Christ. Our end goal should be to push people toward him, not to make people more comfortable. But that also means knowing when not to push.

Love sometimes leads to physical inaction, but if it comes from the right attitude, it will always lead to spiritual action.

If you cannot be there for them physically, then pray for them, because prayer is never wasted.

This is a difficult topic, both from a philosophical standpoint and personally. Further thoughts or comments are greatly appreciated.