Valentine’s Day Love
We’ve looked at different aspects of love – Love is not flashy, but in the little things, Love Does, and sometimes, love requires us not to act.
Now, instead, we turn the attention at romantic love in dating relationships – dangers that face us, as well as an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship.
A Brief Disclaimer
I need to mention two things before we begin.
First, if you are not in a relationship, you’re welcome to read this post, but it’s not written for you. There will be more posts talking about you throughout the next few weeks.
Second, know that I am not a professional relationship advice or coach. The advice I give is general, based on personal experience, books and presentations. I don’t expect you to agree with all of it, but I hope you will closely examine why or why not you disagree with it.
With that being said, let’s take a look.
Don’t Muddy the Goal
For those of us who are dating, let me lay out a little warning. Keep the goal clear in mind, and don’t confuse what the goal should be. What I mean is this: The end goal of dating (or courting, or pursuing, or whatever you want to call it), is marriage. However, it’s easy for that dating relationship become that goal. Allow me to explain.
Relationship Versus Person
First, you can start to value having the relationship instead of valuing the person you have it with. When this happens, if the relationship ends, you look for a new one – not because you’re looking for someone to pursue life with, but because you’re looking for the feeling of that relationship.
The better alternative is to love the person you’re in a relationship with, no matter what it looks like. Early in my current relationship, I would often think to myself, “I hate the title and label of the relationship. But I happen to really like the person I’m with.”
The Goal is Required
A second way is that the relationship becomes the goal is feeling the pressure that whatever relationship you’re in needs to end in marriage – breaking up is not an option. This is separate from feeling like it will end in marriage, which is a perfectly healthy and normal thing to feel.
This is most common in someone’s first relationship. All of us want that perfect story, where our first boyfriend or girlfriend ends up becoming our spouse.
Likewise, most of us have experienced the sense of loss when that dream is broken.
But it can occur in later relationships, too, especially if there’s pressure from family and friends, intended or not. You feel like this relationship needs to work out, so you can be done with the dating game and get on with your life.
This becomes an issue when you try to push something that isn’t supposed to happen. Work toward marriage – and if you know it’s not going to work out, then don’t stay in that relationship.
This is where your love comes in again. If you love the person you’re with, that you’re willing to fight through anything together, then you’re in a good place. But, your partner needs to feel the same way, and be willing to fight just as hard.
What’s Your Real Goal?
The final way that I see a lot of Christian people losing sight of the goal is viewing marriage not as a holy covenant before God, but a way to fulfill their sexual desires.
A reoccurring statement I’ve heard from Christians my age is, “I want Christ to return, I just hope that he waits until after I’m married.”
Whenever I hear it, I always press. “Why?”
People don’t usually want to say it – because they know it’s not the right priority. But, if they’re honest, they’ll agree, it’s because they want to experience sex.
Now, if you’re honest with yourself in that respect, and that desire isn’t leading you to sin in any way, then I wouldn’t worry about it. To be honest, I’d prefer it as well. But if Christ does come back before I’m married, I know that the fulfillment I find with being united with my God and my King will surpass anything I experience here on earth.
Lonely and Unloved
Another reason we lose sight of the goal is that we have an unceasing fear of being left alone and being unloved for the rest of our lives. So we try to find resolution in a relationship.
To counter this, allow me to quote my friend and mentor Josh Garver, “Ring by spring and one-night stands are looking for the same thing.”
In context, the statement was aimed at both finding love and fulfilling sexual desires; I use it here because I believe this fear is the reason we see both. We fear we’ll never find our true love, so we settle for someone who’s not in a healthy enough position to be a strong partner.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying that whoever you’re dating isn’t going to have flaws – if they don’t, you’re infatuated, or they’re a great actor – but I am saying they should have some level of maturity.
The point here is that you can’t let that fear drive your life. Look for quality – not quelling your fears.
The Key to a Healthy Relationship
Let me just be clear: Relationships are never easy. Just like all good things in life, they require effort. If your relationship is young, and you think it’s going to be smooth sailing, don’t be surprised when the storms of life hit. Many a young love can be wrecked because they were caught unaware.
With that being said, don’t look for conflict – just don’t avoid it when it comes.
Because relationships are hard, and conflict is a part of having a relationship, one of the most essential aspects of a healthy relationship is forgiveness. I want to pause here and discuss forgiveness a little bit.
First, forgiveness is not tolerance or ignoring. If there is a character trait that is clearly negative and detrimental to the relationship, don’t tolerate or ignore that character trait and call it forgiveness – call it out as an equal partner, then help them work on it.
Second, forgiveness doesn’t just extend to your partner; it’s for yourself, too. This is a topic that I’ll get to in a later post aimed at loving yourself in a right manner, but for now, keep that in the back of your mind.
If you’re having a hard time forgiving your partner, remember this – they’re human. They’re going to mess up, and they’re going to fail. It’s on you to forgive them; it’s on them to do better.
Let me say that again. When you forgive someone, it does not mean is now your responsibility to fix them. You need to trust that they’ll work to improve themselves. You may have a part in keeping them accountable, but their betterment is not on you.
What Do I Need?
Forgiveness goes hand-in-hand with knowing your own expectations. When problems arise, it’s typically because your expectations aren’t being met. Now, sometimes, the situation is clear – for example, you agree to meet somewhere, and after you show up, the other person texts you and says they can’t make it for whatever reason. Of course that’s going to get under your skin – you just need to know how to deal with it.
It’s also important to keep in mind the difference between needs and wants here. For anyone, being in a relationship with someone who will take ownership of their mistakes and will work to improve themselves should be a need. Being in a relationship with someone who prefers trucks to sedans should be a want.
Now, that’s obviously pretty silly thing, but the line can become more gray.Those gray areas – revolving around your preferences – are ones that you, individually need to figure out. When problems arise out of these needs and wants, both issues require forgiveness, as well as consideration of your own expectations.
Like I said – Relationships are hard.
But, in the end, a strong, healthy relationship is worth the fight.
So if that is where you are at this stage in your life, fight on, my friends. Fight on and fight well.
(Check out some of Josh’s spoken word on his YouTube channel! Trust me, you won’t regret it)
