To Wander Home

To wander home…

A few years ago, I created a small series called the Wanderer’s Way. “Life is like a journey,” it started. “Come and wander with me.” It talked of leaving home, our comforts and daily life, and setting off on a journey into the unknown. Bold words, and I still agree with most of them. This semester, God has been teaching me to wander – movement without knowledge of where I will end up – after him. At times, like now, I can see a semblance of a path, as my plans for the summer are relatively clear. But the whole road? That is hidden.

I’ve had a hard latter-half of this semester. Some people have noticed, and questioned me about it. I’ll explain by two of the Wanderer’s Way quotes. The first is what I was living by.

“When the destination seems unreachable, it is hard not to despair. In moments such as these, the only recourse is to continue to put on foot in front the other. It is not always easy, and the temptation to give up and return home is with you every step. Do not give into that voice. Press on.”

Ah, how I pressed on. When I felt awful, emotionally and physically, I stuffed it down and went about my day. I tried to smile at those who needed smiling, listened to those who needed listening, and put one foot in front of the other. I thought it was enough.

But I forgot another part of the Wanderer’s Way.

“A good friend is like a good staff – providing stability and support in even the harshest circumstances. However, between the two, a friend is the better choice.”

To do the first without the second is hard. Harder than necessary, especially at a place like Liberty, where there are so many dependable people. But I drew away from leaning on my friends. Why? Because I didn’t know why I was struggling so much. I still don’t, not completely.

Without a few special friends coming in and forcing themselves under my arms to support me, I would not be in this place right now. Is it a good place? Not necessarily, but it’s not the torture that I would be experiencing should they have ignored my problem.

The other thing of this whole semester is that I’ve been avoiding home. That word, home… If you notice, in the first quote, home seems to be a place to avoid. Comfort seems to be a bad thing. We’re supposed to be uncomfortable. It keeps us moving on our journey. Throughout the second half of the semester, especially in these past few days, I’ve been learning that it’s not such a bad thing. Maybe, however, it’s time to add another Wanderer’s Way quote.

“You must realize that there are two meaning of the word home. The first is your starting point, where you have come from. In the journey of life, you don’t want to return there. For some people, it’s the pit you needed to climb out of. For others, the pedestal that you had to descend. Either way, you’ve changed since then. Going back will only make it harder to leave.

The second meaning, however, is comfort and peace. It’s not a physical place – it’s a feeling of being safe and secure. Home is not the building you live in. It can be found in the light of a campfire, the nearness of a friend, the bustling of a city or the stillness of the woods. It’s a time – a time to rest, a time to relax. Some days, all you truly need is to wander home.”

It’s been a long school year. I walked into college full of myself. I had an amazing girlfriend, I had ASL skills to show off, I was here to learn. Meeting people was cool, but I didn’t care to become close friends with anyone.

Walking out? My girlfriend is now just my friend who is a girl. I’ve been put into the sophomore class, not the junior, as I was hoping for. I have learned, but more importantly, I’ve become friends with amazing people here.

Understand that each of those things, for me, is a good thing. Breaking up with Julie was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, but had I not done it, I wouldn’t have re-evaluated my life goals and dreams. I wouldn’t be on the path I am now. The sophomore class? They’re the best group for me to be with. Having one of my former classmates from the junior class instated as my mentor? I thought it might be awkward, but it’s proved to be an incredible partnership. And all those friends I made? I can’t help but thank God for them.

With all that, though, it’s been a long year. I’ve done a lot, seen a lot, and had to keep pushing myself to step after God. And now, I’m ready.

For me, for this time anyway, it is a place. A small farm, just outside of Syracuse. 70+ acres, the entryway that sometimes reeks of manure and dirt and sweat, a mother and father who love me more than I can love them, brothers and sisters who are hoping I don’t come back wearing ripped jeans and a flannel and, as odd as it sounds, the side of the driveway that is always open for my car.

Last week, I wasn’t ready. This week, I am.

I’m going to wander home.