The Secret to Contentedness
Ever since helping host a podcast on a Season of Singleness, I’ve heard this same phrase continually pop up: “It’s so cool that you’re content in your singleness.”
Well, that’s not quite right.
Content In All Things
The reality of the matter is not that, when single, I’m “content in my singleness,” it’s that I’m content in my position in life. Now, currently, I also happen to like my position in life, but I’m pushing to be content no matter the situation.
In our verbiage and discussion about contentedness, especially in the young adult community, we usually apply it to specific situations. “I’m content where I am at work,” “I’m content in my singleness,” “I’m content even though this hard situation is happening.”
But the Bible takes a very different approach. Philippians 4:11-13 says, “Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (ESV)
There are two things that I want to note. First, Paul says he is content “in whatever situation.” Second, he explicitly says it refers to both “plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
Content In Need
When we have needs, it’s not easy to be content. However, when we have needs, we feel the most pressure to be content. So, we force ourselves to act or believe that we are content.
It looks and feels like it works, too.
Psychologically, we’re able to trick our brains into believing that we’re content. However, if you don’t retrain your mind into contentedness, opting to just push the discontent to the side, it’ll erupt one day, and you’ll realize that you’ve been lying to yourself the whole time.
So what’s the difference? How is this cheap contentedness different from true contentedness?
Before I continue, I want to note that this has been my experience. Maybe it applies to you, and maybe you have a different experience. I’m not a scientist or psychologist, I just speak from my heart.
Cheap or True
First, cheap contentedness avoids thinking about the situation, or only processes it the bare minimum. Instead of acknowledging our feelings about something, we just try to change the way we feel.
Using singleness as an example, instead of acknowledging that we wish we had someone to be with, we force ourselves to say that we’re just in the season, or that God has a plan, or that we don’t need anyone to complete us. We say all of the right things without doing the hard work of coming to those ideas for ourselves.
We are, in some ways, at a disadvantage. We’ve been given the answer key, but never taught how to solve the problems.
It leads to an inward feeling of confusion. “I’m content,” we say, “But I don’t exactly know how I got here.” And, if we’re being honest, we don’t know if we’re there at all.
True contentment is a process that begins with honesty.
I remember, during one period of singleness, admitting to myself that I was interested in someone as more than a friend, even though I was quite certain the person had no interest back. However, I’ve lived the other way, telling myself to just be content while secretly harboring a desire, but burying it.
When I got it into the open in my mind, I was able to deal with it. I was able to see it for what it was and because of that, acknowledge that it was okay if we didn’t work out.
There’s a second part. True contentment doesn’t compare with the past or live in the future.
We like to predict what’s going to happen, so that we can prepare for it. However, that either leaves us fantasizing about something too far off to consider (i.e., dreaming about marrying your crush), or always expecting the worst (i.e., thinking you’ll never find anyone). In the situation above, it didn’t work out. And it hurt at first, because I was still hoping. If it had been repressed, though, I would try to ignore without fully releasing it. All that does is makes it linger.
Instead, what I’ve started doing is remembering and replaying past experiences. Not as an escape from my current reality, or to dream of what I do not have anymore, but to practice gratitude for what I do have.
Paul says, “I have learned” to be content. He never says, “I have forced myself to be content,” or “I was granted contentedness by God.” What he does say, though, is that, “I can do all things [all this/these things] through Christ, who strengthens me.”
Contentedness and Christ
Another lie that comes up with being content is that we try to balance what we do not have with what we do. “Well, I don’t have a significant other, but I have a great group of friends.”
That’s fine to start, but what happens when those friends aren’t there? What if they all get into relationships? What if they all get into relationships with each other?
(Sorry for bringing up everyone’s worst nightmare)
If you’re discontent because you’re lacking something, like a human relationship, you can’t try to find contentedness the same sort of thing, like another human relationship. You will always be faced with disappointment and discontent – your contentedness has to come from somewhere else.
Our contentedness from Christ is not only found in our salvation, though that’s where it starts. More powerfully, it resides in our relationship with Him. As we draw near to Him, we find that He is more than enough.
It’s in the relationship that we get strength to be content, even when we are in need.
Content in Plenty
I think Paul wrote that he is “content in plenty” to remind us that being content isn’t only a skill to be applied when times are hard. Contentedness is a mindset of reliance on and trust in God.
It’s like self-esteem. It’s easy to fall into the mindset that, if you work hard and become the kind of person you want to be, you’ll like yourself. And sure, maybe you will, but if your self-esteem is based off of specific characteristics, or worldly validation, then as soon as those fade, your self-esteem fades with it.
On the other hand, when you put your worth in what God says, it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. Your self-esteem is based off of God’s declaration that you are His son or daughter. This means that when you become the person you’ve always wanted to be, and people like you, your self-esteem doesn’t change. You’re still worth just as much before and after.
Applied here, when our contentedness is in Christ, and not in what we have (or hoping for something when we’re in need), our contentedness doesn’t change when we have plenty.
We don’t need to fear about losing everything, because our contentment is found in Christ and Him alone. We don’t need to look for discontent to fight. We’re allowed to be content and happy in plenty. We just don’t put our lasting joy and contentedness in things or experiences. In fact, we can’t find lasting joy or contentedness in things or experiences.
The Decision and Process
A lot of life starts with a decision, but requires a process to achieve.
For example, you decide you want to be content in whatever situation you’re facing. However, that doesn’t mean you’re content. You still need to address the reasons you’re not content. You need to work it out and learn contentedness for yourself.
Stop relying on the answer key of right Christian answers. Grapple with discontent and let God fulfill you more than you’d ever know.
I’m not there yet. But I’m working to be content in all seasons of life. Single, in a relationship; rich, poor; surrounded by friends, or alone – I want my contentedness to be found in Christ and Christ alone.