Let Me Watch the Stars

One of my favorite things in the world is the night sky. The way that the heavens open above you, revealing a majesty incomparable to anything on Earth, lighting your way even though remaining dark – there’s something exceptionally special about it.

Over a year ago, I wrote a post detailing Lessons from the Night Sky. It’s a special post in my heart – as most are. But when I re-read, I renew my longing for the night sky.

In my post, I said that when I look at the night sky, it gave me a desire to share it with a special someone. I wanted to share my love of the night sky with a girlfriend or a wife. I could imagine myself walking under the light of the stars. It was a truly beautiful image.

Earlier this year, however, God began to work in me. It was slow, and it was painful, but He started pulling away my need and desire for a wife. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I still believe that finding a wife is a good thing, and to some degree, I have a desire to find one. I’m just saying that I’m not consumed by desire for it.

Like I said, it was slow and painful. It took the loss of relationships and very serious heart-searching. It took kneeling on my bedroom floor, screaming in my heart that I didn’t want to let go. Demanding that God let me just have this.

But I’ve demanded that God give me things He didn’t want to give before. And it only led to hurt and sorrow. It also started His work in my heart of pulling this desire out.

I’m going to refrain from going down a rabbit hole about faith and prayer – I’ll save it for another day, I think – but I will just say that I am not saying that we shouldn’t pray for things that we want. God asks us to pray for our desires. But He also sometimes says no. And when he says no, we have to accept it.

Like I said, not accepting His decision led to heartache, not only to me, but to quite a few in my circle. It left wounds that took nearly the entire semester to heal from.

Looking back, of course, I can see the good things that came from it. But I could have been healthier if I had only decided to follow what God was saying.

But the past is the past, and I refuse to live there, because I’ve passed it.

Instead, allow me to explain what’s happened because of this process.

Last month, I was walking out under the stars, and I realized something that was shocking and profound. Only the barest hint of that desire remained, even under the majestic expanse of the night sky. All the other times, I couldn’t wait to find someone. But now, I could enjoy it, for myself.

It was strange to find it so fulfilling – sitting on the gravel, watching the stars. It was a simple victory, but a victory nonetheless, and one that brought me closer to God’s heart.

I’m not saying that I’m completely free of the urge to obsess over the desire. Like anything, it flares up, then dies away. There are some days when the battle for contentment feels like pushing against trained soldiers, with only a kitchen knife for protection. And there are days where it feels like a light wind that’s barely touching an impenetrable fortress.

But, now I know I can beat it. Even when it feels like I’m going to cave, I turn to a power greater than myself, and the enemy falters. Usually, they’ll break and run.

More than that, I’m conscious of the issue. Slowly, but surely, I’m changing my mindset.

A couple days ago, I was driving home after dropping a friend off at college, with their mother, one of my mentors. Through unfortunate circumstances, we found ourselves off the highway, searching for an on-ramp. As we drove, we end up going under an old stone bridge. I made the comment that, if we hadn’t been forced to take the back roads, we wouldn’t have seen it.

Inside, I made a mental note of the bridge, and thought to myself, “How I wish I could bring a girlfriend or a wife to this place. It’s so cool.”

Only a few seconds later, I was struck with a second thought. “How selfish is it of you to not be able to enjoy an experience with anyone other than a romantic partner?” Immediately, I changed my mindset, and started to think, “Wow. Isn’t this a cool moment to share with my mentor? This experience is something we’ll share for the rest of our lives.”

Again, it’s these little victories that remind me that it’s worth pursuing after God, closer and closer as day turns into day. This victory in particular helped me realize a reason that God wanted this desire gone. If it remained, most of my experiences would be dampened.

With that in mind, I want to be clear that this is a personal message. I’m not trying to convince you to shed your desire for a husband or wife. The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.” (Proverbs 18:22). In my life, there was a specific call to let go of those desires. If the same call does not exist in your life, then I highly doubt God wants you to give them up.

With that being said, I think it’s a good thing to learn to be content. Paul says in Philippians 4:11-13 that he is able to be content no matter the circumstances. Rich or poor, free or in prison, he does it through Christ, who gives him strength.

In the same way, in marriage or singleness, we should lean on Christ to give us contentment. In the end, it’s Christ who fulfills us, not a spouse or significant other.

And that’s why I say, if God isn’t asking you to give up those desires, then stop trying. Don’t force God to take something that He’s been trying to give you.

But in the same way, if God is trying to work in you to rid you of unnecessary baggage, then let Him. Don’t hold onto something when He’s trying to free your hands for something better.

Whichever boat you’re in, you need to be aware that it might scare you. It’s terrifying to realize that you’re supposed to accept the desires and emotions that you feel like have hurt you in the past. It’s terrifying to realize that God is asking you to release the desires that helped you in the past.

Either way, facing what comes next can be hard. You might think that following through will only hurt more people. But, in the end, which causes more harm? Following after God, or following after what you think is best?

If you’re facing a decision like this, then I want to assure you – it’s worth it.  If you want to talk more about it, please reach out. But I’ll leave it there for now.

It’s interesting to see how the night sky treats me now. Instead of pressing me toward obsessions and idealizations, it’s a constant reminder that I can enjoy things with or without anyone. A girlfriend, a wife or even a friend isn’t needed to fully experience moments or make plans for the future. It’s also a reminder of the God who is always with me, and who completes me entirely.

I’ll leave it there in that respect – I think I’ve said my piece. In the meantime, I think I’ll go enjoy a solitary walk underneath starlit skies. No distractions, no worries until I enter the frantic electric light of the dorms.

Until it’s necessary, please – let me watch the stars. They’re more beautiful than when I wished for someone to share them with.