Annual Review at the North Pole

Come and join for a look at the annual review session between Santa Claus and Krampus, mediated by Jack Frost. Thanks to Chesca Preli for the story prompt.

Excerpt of Annual Review Meeting, North Pole Offices

Attendees: Santa Claus; Krampus (no last name on file)

Mediated by: Jack Frost

Recorded by: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Stenographer

JF: As you are both aware, we only allowed to service children who fit specific criteria. However, that criteria has changed for the new decade. First, they must still believe in the magic of the season. This is pretty much the same as before, however, instead of servicing every Potterhead and the like, we will focus on those who believe Christmas is a magical time. Second, the age limit, established in 1996, has been removed. This is because we no longer feel the need to discriminate against the minority of adults who still believe in the magic of the season.

K: I’ve been trying to break them, I promise.

SC: We don’t need them broken! We need them uplifted and encouraged!

JF: Before we begin the metaphysical philosophical debate, allow me to remind you that we are here for a Review Meeting, not running for political office.

K: That election was rigged.

JF: Third! Those that we service must be on one of our tiered plans. Of course, our goal is to get them on the Sleigh Ride Plan, but for a lower cost they can be on the Work Shop plan, or our free Reindeer’s Hut plan

(RtRR would make to like a point here that he does not condone, nor appreciate, the usage of ‘Reindeer’ in the lowest tier. Ring out for Reindeer Rights!)

JF: By default, if a child – I mean someone who receives our services – believes in magic, but has not chosen a plan, they will be added to the Reindeer’s Hut plan.

SC: That’s the ads one, right?

JF: Correct. They will be required to watch an extra allotment of ads throughout the rest of the year. We’ve already integrated with streaming sites. We’ve done it so that it won’t be too noticeable in the long run, just for the comfort of all involved, but it’ll add up to about an extra thirty minutes throughout the year.

K: But what if they’re on paid services and don’t get ads? Or don’t watch anything that has ads?

JF: On the rare chance, it’s been decided that ad-space will be taken on their Christmas presents in some way shape or form. This is the first year we’re actually enforcing it, so we’ll take feedback once we see how it goes. As per legal stipulation, we will likewise add a brochure with information about the tiers with their presents, so they know what they’re involved in.

SC: Are there any other requirements?

JF: No, those are the only three. Your agencies have already received the latest updates, and have filtered the lists for service provision through that lens.

K: So are we ready to begin our list review?

SC: I believe so, yes.

JF: As long as there are no questions, we can continue. Santa, you should have two lists on you?

SC: I actually have three. First, I have one for the good boys and girls who have stayed on the list from last year. Second, a list on those who are moving from Nice to Naughty. And finally, a collection of those for whom this review session is for.

JF: Excellent. Krampus, I believe you have a similar collection?

K: Yeah, but not anywhere near as big. All the naughty ones are staying naughty this year. I’ll get all their souls.

SC: You know that’s not how this works, Krampus.

JF: To counteract the issues we’ve had in the past, I’ve been asked to perform all the corrections in this meeting. For the good of everyone, I ask that you please acknowledge that, Santa. Now. You know that’s now how it works, Krampus.

K: *sigh* Fine. I’ll get to bring them boring toys, because coal dust has been deemed too dangerous to use it as a gift.

JF: Exactly. We appreciate all your work, Krampus. Santa, do you have a case for keeping the children in flux on the Nice or Naughty list?

SC: Yes, I do. If you’ll look at this graph, it indicates the uptick in positive behaviors for most of them during the last three months. If this continues going forward, they will easily meet the bare minimum of the Nice list.

K: I, likewise, have an argument. If you look at this pie-chart, you’ll see it’s made of Naughty children’s souls, just like the good old days.

SC: That’s in poor taste, Krampus.

K: Oh, no. I think they would taste delicious.

(End of Excerpt)