The Candle of Love

As we come to the last candle of Advent, the Candle of Love, I’m writing a reminder of what love is, and where love comes from. This might just be a reminder for myself, but I hope you walk with me.

I’ve written extensively on the subject of love throughout the last four or five years. A lot of what I’m going to say comes from my Look at Love Series, specifically Loving God, written in February 2021, and The Standard of Success, which was written just this past year.

But first, a premise.

Christmas as a Toxic Love

Let’s take a classic Christmas idea. “Santa bring presents to nice boys and girls, and coal to naughty boys and girls.”

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again. A love that’s based on how you act isn’t love. It’s conditional affection. It’s transactional, a karma-based worldview that says we only need to “love” those who “love” us.

Yeah, well, even the worst of people love the ones who love them. That’s the easy part.

So why is it so toxic?

First of all, it stifles any opportunity use failure as growth. It says that if you fail, you’ve lost a prize. Feelings of inadequacy lead to low self-esteem.

Second, it creates a standard that you have to live by, a mold that you need to fit, if you want love. A dance, a routine, a list to be checked in order to receive the affection that we so desperately crave. Sometimes it’s attainable, because you are already the person outlined in the description. Or maybe you’ve learned to fake. Sometimes it’s impossible to achieve, which only leads to further failure and guilt.

“I cannot be who they want me to be.”

The pain of feeling disdainful glances pierces the heart, leading to rebellion. “I will be the very thing they despise.” Or the heart guards itself. “I will play the part as best I can.”

Conditional affection.

A toxic parody of the most sacred thing that God has ever given us.

Love.

Standards and Molds

Day in and day out, we are faced with models and molds that we need to adapt to. Our workplace asks us to be professional – is that wrong? My family asks me to adhere to their morals – is that wrong?

Let me flip it.

I ask my employees to show up on time – is that wrong? I ask my family to respect my identity – is that wrong?

Is one better than the other?

When someone is forced to act in a specific way in order to please another person, they’re being told, explicitly or subconsciously, that who they are, their very identity, is not worthy of love.

In some cases, it’s a response to being told that you are not respected. “You refuse to accept who I am, so I will reject you and everyone who supports you.”

We cut toxic friends out of our lives in toxic ways, like painting asbestos over with lead paint. All we do is create further problems down the road.

That said – I understand the importance of keeping yourself safe. I understand that a lot of times, even trying to do something gracefully and tactfully is not received well, and even when you try to do it well, the response can be toxic.

I will say this. The response to Conditional Affection is not to offer Conditional Affection.

The True Love of Christmas

I’m writing this as much to remind myself as to encourage anyone who’s still reading. Sometimes, I think, we get so overwhelmed with conditional affection that we forget that there’s a better way. A more holy way. A more perfect way.

The beautiful thing about True, Authentic, Unconditional Love is that it never starts with us or what we’ve done. Love that is True can see us for who we are, as broken and miserable as that may be. Love that is Authentic comes from the heart of the one who loves. And Love that is Unconditional cannot, by it’s very definition, be based on anything that we have done.

And we miss this love so much, surrounded as we are by the world’s twisted attempt to find validation and acceptance. When we are constantly confronted with Conditional Affection, we think it’s the only way.

But every single day, we are offered the chance to have Love that is True, Authentic and Unconditional.

Every single day, we walk in the love shown to us by the Advent of Jesus Christ. By His life and death, we are given free access to One from Whom All Love Flows, God the Father. We are ministered to by the Great Comforter, His Holy Spirit, who holds our hearts, even when they are broken.

There’s no paid plans here – no amount of good deeds will ever elevate you to a better tier of subscription.

This, the Love that gave us a way to freedom and relationship, is the ultimate example of Love. Without it, how could we know True Love? All we would know is Conditional Affection, trying to appease the wishes and whims of the world, even when they contradict our very beings, not to mention each other. We would be caught in those same chains that torment us as we try to fall asleep without any idea that there might be a key to loose us into a free relationship of True Love.

He, when we were His enemies – toxic friends, if you will – not only saw us and loved us, but gave His life for us. That is the furthest thing from Conditional Affection as you’ll find.

The Love of God Compels

As we live and grow in the love that God gives, it compels – causes – us to change our mindset and love for others. As we realize our identity and worth to God, it gives our worth and identity in the eyes of those around us a new meaning.

Don’t get me wrong – being in a relationship based on Conditional Affection still hurts. You’ll still need to face the toxic “love” of our world. But sometimes, we need to remember that there’s more than that in the world. Not only can we look for more personally, but we also are able to give more than that.

When someone gives us Conditional Affection, we want to respond in like. It’s hard, and humanly impossible, not to. Only when we rest in the Love of God, washed in the True, Authentic and Unconditional stream of everlasting love, can we turn and love people, regardless of who they are.

I’m not there. I pray all the time that my heart will be softened in that way. I want to love others that I am loved.

That’s why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to remember what true love is in my life. I’m writing this to remember why I show authentic love in my life. I’m writing this to remember the unconditional love given to me in Jesus.

The Candle of Love

How fitting it is that the final candle of Advent is the candle of Love. The manifestation of God’s love for us, proclaimed through the birth of His Son, our Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ. The reminder that, even as Jesus ascended, the Spirit descended, giving us access to Himself.

So I’m going to sit here and rest in the glow of this candle. Allow my frozen heart to be thawed by the eternal warmth that it offers. Let me remember what it is to receive love. Let me remember what it is to show love.

I hope you take a moment to sit by this candle, too. It’s being offered to you. All you need to do is sit before it.

But be warned – the candle of God’s love may light a fire of love blossoming in your heart that you cannot control. But maybe that’s exactly what this world, caught in the grips of Conditional Affection, needs.

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins…We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:10, 19)

For more on doing away with standards, read “The Standard of Success.” For more on love, read “Loving God.” Merry Christmas, and I pray you find the meaning of True Love this year.