Shattered Expectations

If 2020 could be summed up in two words, I think those words would be my choice.

Shattered Expectations.

Every plan, every hope I had for this year has been tossed aside thus far.

Of course, there’s the big thing: a pandemic and ensuing isolation that shut down school, and all the possible social interactions I had hoped to have. And that’s not to mention the civil unrest that then rocked the nation. But there’s little things, too.

My quadmate, and one of my best friends, moved downstairs on the hall, meaning I couldn’t see him every night. Not that we didn’t see each other all the time – we just weren’t sharing a living space.

Close relationships ended, leaving me feeling awkward and uncertain.

The car that I put on the market to be sold refused to find a new owner. It’s back on the road, under my ownership still.

My plans for a full summer of work or training for interpreting ended up having to be split in the middle – work for the first half, and interpreting intensive afterwards, leaving me feeling like I might be under-prepared for school and under-financed for the coming sixth months.

A possible partnership with a producer to record some of my music during the second half of the semester was put on hold.

There have been days where I don’t want to get out of bed because of the fear of what was happening in the world. There have been days where I want to scream at the sky, railing against the day that I had experienced. There have been moments of tears from hurt and fear.

I imagine we all have stories like these. Possibilities that were seen as sureties, but were lost amid the chaos of this year. And honestly, I’m guessing that my stories are tame compared to most people.

But shattered expectations aren’t always bad. Looking back, I can see all the incredible things that I experienced.

I can see my parents pushing me to keep at a job that I hated, and, unlike all the times before, I actually succeeded in pushing through. Once past the frustration, I found that I actually enjoyed painting.

I can see learning how to manage tendinitis, preparing me for when it flares up again in the future.

I can see myself swimming across a frigid pond, a task that my body wasn’t ready for, but doing it anyway, and making it back alive. It’s sad that I see it as an accomplishment, but it’s not sad that I didn’t die.

I can see old habits creeping back into my life, but instead of trying to hide it and figure it out on my own, I see myself asking for prayer, and watching them die away again.

I see a staff, lit on both ends, spinning in the night sky. A sense of elation and jubilation that comes with fulfilling a childhood fantasy that I couldn’t have dreamed would come true.

I’ve watched expectations crumble and fall away. But as the dust from those hopes and dreams clear, I can see new opportunities. Secret dreams that I tucked away, thinking they’d never occur, now poke their heads out of my satchel and grin at me. They know that they’re possibilities once again.

First and foremost among these dreams is the hope for recording and producing an EP by the end of the year. I’ve been working on and sitting on songs for a few years now, and I’m hoping for the chance to share professional versions with everyone. As things come together, I’ll be posting updates.

The other major one is that my pastor has graciously taken me under his wing and is working with me to develop a sermon to preach one of the weeks that he’s on vacation. It’s been an amazing process, and I’m really excited to see how God uses it.

There are others, of course, but this is the one that I am most passionate about. Whether it will come to fruition will depend on a lot of things – but I am hoping and praying with all my heart.

But that’s me. I don’t know where you are in life, or what this pandemic has left you with. I hope that all of your expectations haven’t been shattered.

But if they have been broken, then I hope you’ll take a moment to consider: What have they made room for? What are the secret hopes and desires that you’re hoping will occur?

And even more importantly, what are the dreams that God has been laying on your heart?

We’re coming to a point in our lives where what we believe in is going to have to permeate every single portion of our lives. The time of blithely accepting that a token faith will suffice is coming to an end.

It is my belief that God has put us into a time like this because He is calling for us to follow Him even closer. It is my prayer that if you hear God calling, you will not reject Him.

Yes, 2020 has been a year of shattered expectations. But here in the dust and ash of those very same hopes and dreams, I stand ready to face a new dawn of my faith. I see the light of passion for growth in God and in faith in Him and feel it burning in my chest.

And it is my prayer that everyone who reads this will be filled with the same determination and fervor for God in this rest of this year.

There is so much more that I could say than this, but I don’t want to write a book. Perhaps, in the coming weeks, I’ll explore the ideas more. But for now, let me say this.

I don’t know where this year or this life will end up taking us. For me, I know that involves walking as close to my Savior as I can. It is my fervent hope that you will walk with me, beyond the token religion of Sunday mornings and into a relationship greater than you can ever imagine.