How Long has it Been?

First off: If anyone has been praying for me, thank you.

Second off: Man. God is good.

Also, just a tip, if you don’t actually want it, don’t ask him to break you.

I’ve prayed that God would break me for years. And time after time, I’ve run dry spiritually and emotionally. In those moments of being burnt out and weary, I thought that I was broken enough. But God doesn’t want you tired – he wants you humble.

My favorite quote at the moment is from one of my Resident Shepherds, Alex. “Just because you’re a leader,” he said, “Doesn’t mean you have to have all your crap together.”

Simple, yeah. But profound.

I’ve known this all my life, of course. We’re told that we don’t need to be perfect – well, that’s what we tell other people, anyway. When it comes to ourselves, we decide that we need to be held to a higher standard, especially when we’re put into positions of authority.

As a CGL, and in other ministerial roles, I have a tendency to hold myself as needing to know all the answers. And while I knew in my head that I didn’t, in my heart, I believed I could make it on my own.

This past Wednesday changed that for me.

It started normally. I started the day by prepping for the ministry I knew was going to be happening all that day. I prayed for the guys who were coming into my groups. I prayed for myself, that I would lead them well. I read from Psalms, then it was out the door, heading for the bookstore to buy a few textbooks.

The day flowed on. I met with Patrick, the LU Shepherd I’m under (it goes LU Shepherd, then Resident Shepherd, then Community Group Leader), and I shared the same thoughts as are in my previous post. He encouraged me to continue in a true relationship with God.

Convo came and went, as did homework. Finally, it was time for our hall dinner in a packed Rot, and to Campus Community, our weekly Bible study.

This semester, we’re doing a series called, “It’s Complicated.” The focus is on relationships – between boyfriend and girlfriend, siblings, friends, parents, all of it. But to start it off, Pastor Nasser decided to focus on the most important relationship of all – our relationship with God.

In his sermon, he told a story of how he ended up in Greenville, North Carolina (or maybe South Carolina), for a Billy Graham Crusade. He stayed in the Hilton, and when his friend came to pick him up, he was told to meet him at the front desk. So, he went down, but there was no one there.

While they were trying to figure out what was going on, the lady behind the desk overheard the conversation, and asked what city his friend was in. The friend replied that he was in Greenville, South Carolina (or maybe North Carolina), which was nearly four hours away.

Pastor Nasser used this as an illustration for how we often treat our walk with Christ. Just like he was in Greenville, in the Hilton, by the front desk, many of us are in church, serving God, not realizing that we’re in a completely different state.

He challenged us to examine ourselves and our salvation. Then he told us that, if our faith had been found lacking, to call on the Lord, and that we would be saved.

As he talked, I could feel a dissatisfaction in my Spirit. I knew I was saved – I have to be confident of that. But if I’m going to be honest with myself, I wanted to be able to work my way into salvation. And I knew that it wasn’t enough, that all the works I performed meant nothing in the grand scheme, if they were done by my power.

I texted Patrick, and asked him if I could meet with him after CC. He said of course, and so I slipped back to talk with him. After just a few seconds of talking, he said, “Okay. You need a dad talk. I know the person to give it to you.”

He had another LU Shepherd, Doug, talk with me. As I started to speak, I found myself unable to stop sobbing.

One of my friends and I were talking a while back, and the question arose, “How long has it been since you’ve cried?” I told her that I really didn’t know. She seemed impressed, until I told her I wasn’t proud of it.

To be so broken that I could cry – that God finally gotten through my wall of apathy and works-oriented faith – it truly was one of the most beautiful feelings I could have.

In the moment, it was awful. I wanted my emotions to be in check, and have myself in control. But looking back, the moment of vulnerability was greater than I could have imagined.

The conversation that followed raised on very important question. Oddly, it was another “How long has it been?” This time, though, Doug asked, “How long has it been since you’ve just sat and soaked in the presence of God?”

And sadly, the answer was once again, “I can’t remember.”

We talked some more, and I wish I could say I walked away, confident in who I was, but I didn’t. I did, though, walk away feeling loved and cared for.

On the walk back, I got to share what happened with my RS. That’s when he told me that quote. “Just because you’re a leader doesn’t mean you need to have all your crap together.”

I walked into Campus Community ready to serve the guys on my hall. I walked out unsure if I was even worthy to lead them into the presence of a God that I wasn’t sure I knew that well.

Between CC and Community Groups, I took some time to go up onto Askew, the parking lot behind my dorms. There, overlooking the city, I took some time to refocus on God. While shuffling through my Spotify, I found a beautiful song called Redeemed, by Influence Music. Here’s the part that hit me the hardest:

“[Pre-Chorus]
If you’ve been left out, forgotten
Just come to the fountain
And drink from the water of life
This water will never run dry
If you’ve been let down and broken
His arms are wide open
So drink from the water of life
This water will never run dry

[Chorus]
Believe me ’cause I would know
I was that wounded one
I was that prodigal
I was that wayward son
How did I even live
Before I knew life above
What a beautiful life it is
I was redeemed by love”

That last part gave me such hope. I have been redeemed by love.

Redeemed – all my crap, that I don’t have together? God paid for that. He exchanged my old life for a new one, one in Him.

By love – not that we loved Him first, but He first loved us, and gave his life for us. How beautiful is that?

As walked back down from Askew, I was more aware of my faults and failures than ever before. But I was also more aware of how much I need to rely on God’s power over my own. And knowing that God had my back? It prepared me to serve Him in a way that gives Him all the glory.

I’m not in a perfect relationship. Even in writing this, I can feel the gap that’s between me and God. And the oddly beautiful thing is that there’s nothing that I can do about it. I just need to stop trying to work to get closer – and let Him love me with His eternally magnificent love.

Before I go out again and spend some time with Him, I have two questions for you.

How long has it been?

How long has it been since the Spirit has touched you so deeply that it brought you to tears?

And how long has it been since you’ve gotten lost in the magnificent presence of our glorious God?

Revival will come – but it needs to be a personal revival.

If you would like to listen to “Redeemed” you can watch the music video at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeEOCF99acA