2020: UNPOSTED
2020 is almost done.
How excited were we for this year to arrive.
I wonder if we’re more excited to watch it go?
I’ve frequently said I don’t write as much as I should. While this is true I’ll occasionally write a post that, for whatever reason, doesn’t get finished. Or, if I do finish it, I end up deciding not to post it.
I can’t define what does or doesn’t make it. Sometimes, I run out of steam. Sometimes I just don’t like where it was going.
At any rate, here are three posts from this year – slightly edited for flow of thought and content purposes, but largely untouched from their original state.
Naturally, this is going to be a longer post than most, but if you bear with me, I think it will be worth it.
March 21st, 2020: A Wild and Weary Land
It was surreal, watching my friend pack for Spring Break. He pulled out everything – his clothes, his computer, his bedsheets, all of it – and packed away into the back of his truck. He covered it with a tarp, and tied it down with a rope.
I felt like I was in a movie, at the point where the group splits. One goes back home to find the people he left behind, and the other decides to forge ahead and seek new territories. My roommate and I joked as he worked, discussing the quality of the tarp, of the rope, of the truck. It was a moment of lightheartedness that was overshadowed by a lingering fear.
The night passed, and my friend left the following afternoon. Only 24 hours later, I was arriving at home, another friend in tow, after catching rides across Virginia, Pennsylvania and New York.
It was surreal, driving along the highway and seeing the traffic signs proclaiming “Stay home. Save Lives. #flattenthecurve.” I half expected to see billboards saying the same thing. Maybe Uncle Sam pointing and saying, “I want YOU to stay home.”
It was surreal, having friends be unable to hang out because we’re trying to practice social distancing. It was surreal, going to Niagara Falls and it being drained of people.
This Spring Break has been surreal. It seems that our fiction books have come to life in our very presence, and we are unable to do anything with it. These are the days that we have heard stories about. These are the fears that come once or twice a generation, always the same, and yet different.
There’s uncertainty in the air. Our social media outlets are blowing up with the latest COVID news, opinion and memes.
As I drove through Virginia, Pennsylvania and all the states between this weekend, gathering my stuff from Liberty to move home, I was amazed. I saw more cars from New York, Quebec and Ontario than the four states I traveled through. All of us traveled together northward. Another surreal moment.
The world we live in is not the one that we enjoyed last summer. It’s a new, wild world. Enforcement of the six-foot rule, restrictions on travel, maximum occupancy – all of it is something that we could not have imagined only six months ago. But now, it’s our new normal. We are torn between wanting to see our friends and helping keep all of them safe. Without experience living through such times, however, how will we navigate this inclement madness?
Worse than the outside world is that of our minds. For those of us who get anxious easily, times like these, well, quite frankly, they suck. All the things and people that kept me sane and calm are cut out, and I am left swimming in a mind filled with frantic fear. And all these fears are things I have no control over.
So, we sit, stuck at home on our couches, attempting some mediocre feeling of normalcy. For some of us, we work online, whether that be on school or a paying job. For others, we call this the ‘plague-cation’ and opt to pick up those activities we’ve been meaning to do. Or, we just sit and stew in our own thoughts and personality.
Therein lies the weariness. Unable to change our circumstances, and with the anxious thoughts creeping in, we turn to distraction. But how long does that distraction last? Of course, this is going to vary from person to person, so check your own lives. Maybe it took one day – maybe you can last the full two weeks. No matter how long, we all come to a place where we don’t want to take it anymore. We stare at the wall, because it’s just as fulfilling as watching the television. We mindlessly scroll through Instagram, not caring that we’ve seen all of these pictures, twice.
In this wild and weary land, where will you turn? How much longer can you last before you come face to face with the questions that plague our minds? I wonder if Descartes lived during the times of a pandemic. What other reasons would one have the time to sit and doubt one’s own existence?
The fact of the matter is, at some point, you’re going to need to turn somewhere other than media to keep your mind occupied and to find rest. You can turn to health authorities, but I doubt that will be very relaxing at this point. You can turn to your books, but those will run out eventually. You can turn to your family, if you have them. But tensions rise and divisions happen.
What if I told you, there’s someone who has walked through all this before us? Someone we could turn to who could not only lead us through the wildness of this land, but give us rest and peace, too? Who can give you a new purpose in this world?
In this Wild and Weary Land, I have found my answer, and my source of hope. His name is Jesus Christ.
If you don’t know who that is, please reach out – I’d love to talk about Him.
August 7th, 2020: The Joy in the Journey
At the end of 2019, I wrote a post (published on January 1st), called “Drudging out of 2019.” I ended it with this statement.
“2020 is a year full of potential. It’s a year that’s going to be filled with growth. All of those dreams you have? They have the possibility of coming true. Those New Year’s resolutions? Well, it is the present, and there is no time like now change your life.
But this year, don’t expect everything to come true. Look back at this past year. There were unforeseen struggles and trials that you had to get through. 2020 will be no different. But if you search only for the highs, the lows will hit you even harder. And if you think only of the lows, then is it any surprise that the highs seem to pass you by?
I look forward to 2020. There will be blessings and there will be hard times. But through it all, the God of the ages, who existed during the original Roaring 20’s, and long, long before, will be before me and behind me. He will surround me and guide my way. Day in and day out, He will be my sustaining power and my ever-present peace.”
I had no idea what 2020 would bring. At the time, all my friends were looking forward to the new year. If I’m right, I was the only one who had reservations. I just wish my reservations hadn’t been validated in the way that they were.
Throughout this year, those final words have been true. The God of ages has continued to be my power and peace throughout the tumult. Like most of us, this year has been one of the most challenging, and I fully believe that there’s more to come.
About a month later, I wrote a post called, “The Joy in the Mess.” As I prepared to step onto the ladder of skill development, I saw all the messy parts along the way, and was excited for them. I equated to our everyday life, saying,
“In the same way, in life, we can drudge. We can stand and weep as the rain pours down, unsure of why it refuses to stop. We can find ourselves barely able to put one foot in front of the other. And yet, at the same time, we can have joy, because we know that we are exactly in the place that God wants us. Joy does not require us to be smiling. Joy does not require us even to be happy. Joy is looking ahead to the promise and hope of Heaven, and knowing that, even now, God holds us.
This joy is promised to us as believers. It’s a feeling, but it’s also an action. It’s a fruit of the Spirit, but it’s also a choice. Joy is contentment that only comes on fulfillment of God’s purpose for our lives.”
This is explained in more detail in “The Joy in the Mess.” If you’re curious about what I mean, I strongly urge you to read it.
So, as we live out our lives, there’s joy. Joy doesn’t mean that God will make our lives easy – it means that He’ll be with us, even when it’s not.
But why the joy in the journey? How is having joy in the journey different than joy in the mess?
(Post was left unfinished)
November 4th, 2020: Dancing on the Riverbank
Perhaps you’ve grown in the past years. Remember all the places you would fall and get scraped knees? Now you look back, and you can see that you’re able to run freely through them now. Those places of the past where you were weak are now places were you can rejoice in your victory.
And that is a beautiful thing. To see where you’ve grown and become strong, where you’re no longer the scared boy – the lost boy – that you used to be.
However, I want to extend a warning.
Just because you are confident in your healing, in your strength and in your freedom from sin does not give you license to entertain sin in your life. It does not mean that you can test temptation.
In fact, your healing, strength and freedom means the complete opposite. It means that you have the power to flee. There’s such a stark difference there.
The apostle Paul puts it this way in Galatians 5:1. “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves me burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Then, in verse 13, he adds this: “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature, rather, serve one another in love.” (Emphasis mine).
I never understood this passage until now. We are set free for freedom? It confused me for years, because freedom is the action. Surely there is something more.
But no. Paul said that we have been freed so that we can be free.
Let that sink in for a second.
So often, we, or at least myself, tell myself lies like, “I’ve been healed from my pornography addiction, so it’s okay if I watch movies with sex scenes.” “I’ve been healed from obsessing over school, so it’s okay if I take another course.” “I don’t gossip anymore, so it’s okay if I vent a little to my friends.”
I might only be preaching to myself right now, and if that’s the case, praise God that this is how you’ve live your life. But you’re standing on the same path that I am, then hear me out.
Those statements only serve to reinforce the power of sin in your life. There may be a time and place where those statement can be said and they can be true, but in most instances, they are you looking for a way to slip into sin without the guilty conscience.
It’s like you’re standing on the bank of a river. You know you shouldn’t get all wet again, but you kind of want to. Using those kinds of statements to justify your action is like dancing on the edge of the river, where the moss grows thick and is wet from the constant flow of the water. You know you’re going to fall in – but you can always say it was an accident.
Of course, these flirtations aren’t always as conscious and visible as dancing on a river’s edge. They’re much harder to find. Therefore, it is imperative that you know yourself. If you find yourself there, turn and walk away.
That’s what it means to be set free.
December 31st, 2020: Where We Are Now
2020 is almost done.
How excited were we for this year to arrive.
I wonder if we’re more excited to watch it go?
There’s joy in the journey. When you’re first starting a journey, “in the mess,” so to speak, there’s the anticipation for where the journey will lead. But while you’re on the journey, you have the opportunity to look back on where you’ve come from, and where you stand now.
I couldn’t figure out how to articulate that in August, but there it is. I don’t think I was ready to articulate in August.
The world is still wild and weary. There is still uncertainty at every turn. Nothing in this next year is any more assured than anything in this past year.
I still dance on the riverbanks of temptation sometimes. I even fall in on occasion. I pull myself out, dripping, and hate myself for staying so close.
This semester, I had a very formational talk with one of the greatest men of God I know, my RS Josh Garver. It took me some time to really dig into everything he said, but it gave me a fresh perspective. Looking at it honestly, I can see that the battle is different. I’ve grown, and the way I fight is not the same way that I fought in the past. I’m stronger, but what I’m fighting is a new strain of the same sickness. As I figure it out, I can give myself grace when my old strategies don’t work anymore.
That being said, it’s on me to ensure I am doing my best not to rely on my old strategies. It is time for potential to become reality – to leave the nursery behind and enter the world.
There’s always more I can say, but I’ll end it with this.
As 2021 begins, I hope you realize that each New Year – each new day – is a chance to pick yourself out of the river and to make the experience part of your journey. 
Maybe this is the year you start to treating yourself with grace. Maybe it’s the year that you close the door on your childhood and reach for maturity.
Whatever happens, my friends, Journey Well.
